This morning, I went for a run. Hal's plan had 10 miles on it.
I went to the BWI Airport Trail. It's my standard 10 mile loop. I can't remember the last time I ran it. Since I did my race at the beginning of the month, even two miles has been a serious challenge.
That's not to say I haven't enjoyed some of my runs but I'm just. so. tired.
Today, the planned 10 turned into 5. I could have kept going, slogged around the whole loop, but I am trying not to let running become a burden, something I hate and never want to do again.
The thing that worries me, though, is that I have five races coming up in the next four weeks, three of which are on the same weekend and the longest and last of which is a half marathon on a hilly course.
I just looked up the time limit for said half marathon; the course will be open for four hours. I shouldn't need all that time but, in case I do, I'm glad it's available.
During today's run, I was thinking about my barely year-old running habit. For a while, I felt like I was quickly moving toward my goals. I was steadily pressing down on the gas pedal and gaining momentum as I went.
I'm not sure exactly when I started to let off the gas but it seems like almost all of that momentum has been lost. I have brilliant moments but my consistency is off, my aerobic capacity is for crap, my strength and cross training have almost completely fallen by the wayside.
And no matter what accountability practice I decide to enact, I just keep falling off the wagon. Wait, that makes it sound as if I ever really got all the way back on. For the most part, it seems like I'm not even making it all the way up into the seat before I'm flat on my face in the middle of the road again.
I'm tempted to apologize for bumming people out but this is real, friends. I have goals but I have gotten stuck in this place where I can't even imagine accomplishing them. There are so many first steps to be taken that I don't even know where to start anymore.
I know. I get it. You're going to tell me to stop being so hard on myself. That's very nice of you but please realize I am not nearly as hard on myself as you may think.
The problem is that I let myself make excuses for everything. Almost any reason I can find to go easy on myself, I accept it. There has to come a point where even I don't find that acceptable anymore.
Slumpity slump slump. Not sure how to dig myself out of this slough of despond. Do you have any ideas that I haven't already seen in Runner's World 15 times?