Resolution

I detest how anti-climactic conflict is. So much loudness, so much tension, so much emotional energy for nothing much. Not that I'm saying I want more blood, I'm saying I don't want the build up in the first place.

Conflict has puzzled me since childhood. My mom and brother would get into these knock-down-drag-out fights over nothing. Then there would be a time of tense silence. This was generally followed by a time of stilted conversation during which we carefully avoided talking about the elephant in the room and nervously laughed about only moderately funny things. Finally, everyone would realize that it was alright to breathe and things would go back to normal. My family's process normally skipped the step wherein we dealt with whatever freaking HUGE elephant we were housing.

Even if the issue is addressed, most of the time, life just goes back to the way it was before, maybe with some minor change. Deep inside me, I always wish for something bigger, something more noticeable. Imperceptible change infuriates me. Basically, I want a bigger payoff for the emotional energy invested in living.

Perhaps this is why I furiously cling to the idea of an afterlife. I want the not joyful times in life to mean more, be more important, have some kind of impact that lasts. Of course, saying such a thing makes me wonder if there is something in my life that should be changed to make what's happening here and now mean more.

Angst angst angst!